FOMO to JOMO
October has an interesting way of reminding us of our fears. Whether it’s something silly like clowns and haunted houses (we all know they’re fake) or something deeper and more traumatic, we all have fears.
Can I tell you one of mine: FOMO. 🤭
Fear of Missing Out.
Y’all... I hate the idea of missing out. I want to be included in everything. I want to be everywhere with everybody.
There’s a meeting happening? I want to be there, even if it has nothing to do with my department.
Oh, y’all going to breakfast? I don’t even like breakfast, but I’ll order pancakes for the sake of community.
Now, I would love to caveat this by saying, I genuinely enjoy being around people. As an extrovert, this is how I get “energy”. I want to know your story and your opinions. Tell me about the scar on your hand and the girl you’ve had beef with since the first grade. I enjoy conversation, hanging out, and I enjoy doing things… and lately, I’ve realized that I’ve also enjoyed solitude.
Obviously, with this pandemic, our calendars have drastically cleared up. When we first started back in February, literally no one was doing anything. Everything was closed, everyone was home. So of course, naturally, I was home too. Can’t go to brunch, if the restaurant isn’t open. And while home, I realized, wow, I actually have more time to do things that I normally wouldn’t. I read more, wrote more, cooked more, watched more movies, and worked on new projects because I had TIME on my calendar to do those things.
And through that, I started to realized it became a JOY to miss out. I realized that I had space to work on different projects because I wasn’t running around trying to be at every social event. If I showed you my calendar pre-Covid, I would truly be embarrassed, because there was little time for just Vina. Self-care, not care provided by others, was nowhere to be found on my calendar. Even though being around people fills me, there comes a point where it teeters from being fulfilling to exhausting. It was not uncommon for me to be out way past my bedtime, knowing this was going to hurt me more than help me.
There came a point this year, where I actually started telling people no, I won’t be at the event.
No, I can’t make it to the party. No, I can’t go for dinner. No, I am not available for a Zoom call.
I started leaving events early, something pre-Covid Vina would have NEVER DONE because I wanted to be home in enough time to read a few chapters before bed or to watch a movie.
Now, different people struggle with FOMO for different reasons.
For some, their reason may be that they don’t enjoy their own company (or don’t know how to enjoy their own company), some may not want to be alone, or there’s a level of unhappiness in their life, for ME, FOMO was rooted deeply in an insecurity that I didn’t realized until now.
The problem was never that I didn’t enjoy my own company, as an only child who moved around a lot, you have NO choice but to enjoy your own company. FOMO for me was rooted in my desire to want to be liked and not forgotten. I feared missing out on things because I feared that people would forget me. Out of sight, out of mind which is a scary thought. I also realized, that my FOMO, drove me to be quite the little social butterfly because I felt like it was a way to control whether or not people liked me. It was a way to control the narrative. I knew the drama because I was in the room. I caught all the inside jokes. I knew the tea before I got cold.
No one likes being talked about, so I figured if I am in the room, they can’t talk about me, and then I realized CHILE, they gon’ talk about you regardless if they have something to say. They may be courteous and wait until you leave or call each other later, or they may be bold and just text about you while you’re sitting there via text or inside joes.
Coming to that realization this year has been a huge eye-opener for someone like me and I am starting to find freedom in it.
I am starting to realize that those who choose to be intentional with me, will be intentional with me whether I am always around or not because we’re intentional with each other. A relationship has already been built, so I can afford to miss out on a few things. I realized that I can say no to an invite and it won’t affect my friendship with that person. That my unavailability will not stop them from inviting me to the next function. I also realized that sometimes people DO forget, and most times it’s a slip of the mind and not of the heart. They did not mean to intentionally forget about me, and I am sure there was no harm intended because things like that just happen.
I also realized, unfortunately, people are going to talk about me. People will show that their intentions for me may not be on the same page that I have for them, and vice versa, and I learned that life always has a way of weeding those people out too.
So, now, I am ending 2020 and walking into 2021 with a new perspective and confidence in missing out. I have found Joy in missing out, and have been reminded that there is power in being out of the loop.
If you suffer from FOMO, there is a hope at the end of this, and I pray you find it. ❤️